didn't deserve this.

I will of course have good thoughts about even those that i have the most distaste for. It is the times like this, when i have good thoughts of all those in my past that i wish the time would go quicker. I wish to forget many things because they cloud my judgement and feelings of the present. I would much rather, as with most people I am sure, have something positive to occupy my time and thoughts when I am not drowning myself in work. I would like to freely say what is killing me to say without it crumbling the already weak ground that we are standing on.

i've been living life and dealing with people through a curved glass tv screen. voices flattened by bad speakers at the base of the screen. except one.

i want to curl up in bed and listen to someone else talk so i dont fill my head with my own nonsense for a bit. that sounds better and better the more i ponder it.

positive thoughts and laughing off all this bullshit.

i'm seeing what i need.

sometimes i'm convinced that ill never find the right person because i'm impossible to get along with.

sometimes.. i'm really afraid i'm doing it all wrong. for the wrong reasons. because of the wrong information. because of the wrong reactions.

i want to do it right.

sums up.

Been beat up and battered 'round
Been sent up, and I've been shot down
You're the best thing that I've ever found
Handle me with care
Reputations changeable
Situations tolerable
Baby, you're adorable
Handle me with care
I'm so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Won't you show me that you really care
Everybody's got somebody to lean on
Put your body next to mine, and dream on
I've been fobbed off, and I've been fooled
I've been robbed and ridiculed
In day care centers and night schools
Handle me with care
Been stuck in airports, terrorized
Sent to meetings, hypnotized
Overexposed, commercialized
Hand me with care
I'm so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Won't you show me that you really care
Everybody's got somebody to lean on
Put your body next to mine, and dream on
I've been uptight and made a mess
But I'll clean it up myself, I guess
Oh, the sweet smell of success
Handle me with care

i'm smiling.
i'm not pretending i'm happy because it fits into some ridiculous plan better.
i'm smiling because of smiles that make me go a bit weak in the knees.
i'm smiling because i'm not afraid of anything because i only have 7 more days.

why is it that no matter how hard some people try.... they always fall into the trap of their own subconscious sabotage. I find myself hiding from the nice ones because i'm convinced they have something to hide. i am in fact, destroying any chance i have to not get fucked over by trying not to get fucked over. curious.

the last few nights have been filled with bizzare dreams

two nights ago I dreamed I was being followed and my house(that i've never seen before) was burned down on a hill in a forest.


Last night I dreamt I was losing all of my hair and
separately was at a huge art factory with installations where we stole fur coats and dined in a basement