didn't deserve this.

I will of course have good thoughts about even those that i have the most distaste for. It is the times like this, when i have good thoughts of all those in my past that i wish the time would go quicker. I wish to forget many things because they cloud my judgement and feelings of the present. I would much rather, as with most people I am sure, have something positive to occupy my time and thoughts when I am not drowning myself in work. I would like to freely say what is killing me to say without it crumbling the already weak ground that we are standing on.

i've been living life and dealing with people through a curved glass tv screen. voices flattened by bad speakers at the base of the screen. except one.

i want to curl up in bed and listen to someone else talk so i dont fill my head with my own nonsense for a bit. that sounds better and better the more i ponder it.

positive thoughts and laughing off all this bullshit.

i'm seeing what i need.

sometimes i'm convinced that ill never find the right person because i'm impossible to get along with.

sometimes.. i'm really afraid i'm doing it all wrong. for the wrong reasons. because of the wrong information. because of the wrong reactions.

i want to do it right.

sums up.

Been beat up and battered 'round
Been sent up, and I've been shot down
You're the best thing that I've ever found
Handle me with care
Reputations changeable
Situations tolerable
Baby, you're adorable
Handle me with care
I'm so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Won't you show me that you really care
Everybody's got somebody to lean on
Put your body next to mine, and dream on
I've been fobbed off, and I've been fooled
I've been robbed and ridiculed
In day care centers and night schools
Handle me with care
Been stuck in airports, terrorized
Sent to meetings, hypnotized
Overexposed, commercialized
Hand me with care
I'm so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Won't you show me that you really care
Everybody's got somebody to lean on
Put your body next to mine, and dream on
I've been uptight and made a mess
But I'll clean it up myself, I guess
Oh, the sweet smell of success
Handle me with care

i'm smiling.
i'm not pretending i'm happy because it fits into some ridiculous plan better.
i'm smiling because of smiles that make me go a bit weak in the knees.
i'm smiling because i'm not afraid of anything because i only have 7 more days.

why is it that no matter how hard some people try.... they always fall into the trap of their own subconscious sabotage. I find myself hiding from the nice ones because i'm convinced they have something to hide. i am in fact, destroying any chance i have to not get fucked over by trying not to get fucked over. curious.

the last few nights have been filled with bizzare dreams

two nights ago I dreamed I was being followed and my house(that i've never seen before) was burned down on a hill in a forest.


Last night I dreamt I was losing all of my hair and
separately was at a huge art factory with installations where we stole fur coats and dined in a basement

Drowning is a good word for it.

There is just so much that tends to pile up, you don't know which way is which and how to do anything.

I have realized that i preoccupy my personal thoughts with fantasy and wishful thinking.
Reality has become too much to deal with 100% of the time.
Reality has become so serious and yet such a joke.

To put it kindly, i am a magnet for the disaster and the pitifully lost.
I am not sure if i gravitate to it or if it gravitates to me.
Either way it is shitty and frustrating and impossible to avoid.

So, as the last 4 years of my education, at least for a while come to an end. I am relieved and terrified. It is like Christmas and the day is almost over and there is no more excitement and you don't know what to do or where to start. I heard someone talking about how they have a connection with this place. I honestly have a severe distaste for this building and much of this school. As this all is ending, I find myself thinking that I can come back and print and shoot. The fact of the matter being, I wont be able to, probably ever. This is the end of the line and I realize what people were saying when they said I would miss it. I miss the facilities at my fingertips to do whatever i please. Unfortunately for me, i spent the last 4 years doing work for other people and not myself. Staying in instead of enjoying myself. Cutting myself off for people who will mean nothing to me in another 4 years. I have a million regrets and It is a difficult thing to realize when you are under so much pressure to make work "for yourself' for others. It is the pressure that has made me hate it. I will have to try my best to enjoy what is left of adolescence. What is left of my childhood because the minute i walk across that stage, it will all be over. Despite the fact that I really want this real world, adult, rit free life. I know the change will be good for me even if it is difficult to step into.

done.

i take it all back. every single time i said it.
you've got what you want.
a small box in the bottom of my closet.
and your friends and your freedom.
you gave me that reason to not believe in
anything you promised you would protect me from.

i wish you really got it.
I wish you could step back and look at it.

i wish i didnt wish you would show up at my doorstep or work with a flower.

amazing

"We are currently looking for volunteer Female Models who would like to donate some of their time and energy to pose for a Ladies fantasy/mythological themed calendar for 2010"


craigslist

found by natalie.

Most amazing life.

Video games
White Russians
Tattoos.
Hashbrowns.

What.

i found this one beautiful.

because i didn't like myself.
because i didn't want to be alone.
because you always remembered my birthday.
because you were safe.
because i wanted to be different.
because i thought i could save you.
because there was always something.
because you didn't mean a thing.
because you were so nice.
because i wanted to have fun.
because i wanted to.
because you woke me up.