some people know.

that the weird feeling of not knowing where you should be and where you want to be competes with what you think you should be doing and who you want to be near. they all fight and its pretty shitty.

well that is interesting.

when it rains, it pours.

i don't mind one bit.

man we tough.

Have you ever noticed how bizzare hip hop artist's names have become.. well.. have always been. ice tea, ice cube, vanilla ice, .. where was dry ice? How does one named hi-tek.. which presumably is a tough version of high tech think he is tough.. high tech always makes me think of revenge of the nerds and computer science majors... (hrmf.. forget that) how "birdman" is tough.. birdman is like the dude version of catlady and therefore... not cool. actually kind of creepy...

well i guess that we are drowning in no talent wannabe's on the entertainment front these days anyway, all the badass names must already be taken by someone.


just a few thoughts. sorry.

he will always have an unhealthy relationship with his mother

the other day at work i was doing the normal makeover speech i am trained to say and start to help a customer... she had a 3 year old boy with her. apparently asking her three year old if he was hungry meant, hold on a moment while i whip my shit out and start breast feeding without consulting with the person applying makeup to your face in a store... don't mind me.. i'm only trying really hard to ignore the child attached to you're tits, its cool

bowtie.

there are those moments where you have this space in your mind or heart or wherever you keep space for people and its so full its like a balloon but heavy and then it crumbles and is empty for a while. some of that just keeps on filling up again even though you need the space for other things. its like a chair or a bunch of shirts you cant let yourself get rid of even though you dont have the space to keep them.

those moments are the worst, when you think you can finally move new things into that space. and then you cant.

it makes you hate those people and those memories and those feelings because they don't let go. they wont.

i got excited and overly into a teen fad once in my life. it lasted 30 seconds.

i remember it vividly.

take what you will.

there is a luxury in having things go well for one person for a long period of time. you don't notice it but you fall into niches, you fall into habits you might not have even known you had. you start to become a different kind of person. You need to take a few steps back, review how you used to be, review how you are now. are you happy? if so stop reading.

if you are unhappy with what you are becoming, change. if you don't want to admit you have changed. again, stop reading.

we all fall into habits that we may not want to admit we fall into. don't blame people for being real people and pointing it out. usually where one person has the balls to say it. other people are thinking it. everyone needs reality checks. i know i get plenty of them. dont put up defensive walls, dont jump to conclusions about that person just because they were open. its not fair and chances are they wouldnt bring it up if they did not care.


stop and think. the most patient people in the world lose it sometimes.

stop. think. tylenol.

stop. take a few moments. meditate.

think for a few minutes about why you fall into the habbits you fall into.

why you are weak to the people you are weak to.

figure out if you want that.

do you ever notice that habbit you have when things get to be too much.

tattos, dyed hair, piercings, big purchases, new wardrobe. we all need to start over or change something. its almost a necessary step in life.
for me it is to cut all my hair off no matter how much i like it . its a way to drop all the excess and get back to the basic needs.
i have tangled myself up in a large mess of people and situations. I've hurt, been hurt, learned a lot. I would like to stop learning hard lessons but at least with this i get to kind of start over.


apologies if you got steamrolled in the process. apologies to myself if i let you steamroll me in the process.

i'll get to that point eventually.

its a complicated thing

i have biologically bad timing.

My chest felt heavy as i layed there, pretending to try to go to sleep. Or maybe I wasn't pretending, maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough. Or maybe I was trying too hard. Though i know that you know that just because you feel it, it doesn't mean it's there. But regardless, the heaviness was there and it was screaming into my ear in the style of a whisper that it wasn't planning on going away. I was lying there in that foreign yet comfortable bed. Maybe it was comfortable because it was foreign. Or maybe it was just a Serta. But certainly I was uncomfortable for feeling comfortable and I wanted out. I thought outloud; "I'm crawling out of my skin." But no one heard me which tempted whatever it was inside of me even more. What am I doing? What am I doing with myself? I'm not by myself, no, not like I should be; and trust me, I know that I should be. For the first time in my goddamned life I know that I should be alone. Yet for some reason, I'm having a hard time now.

I'm having a hard time telling people who I am.
I know what I want.
I know who I am.
The thoughts won't go away and there are tell-tale signs flashing like bright neon lights directly into my eyes.. or like a computer screen in a dark, dark room at 4:40 in the morning...

i think i have officially lost my mind. i need to start making good decisions.

i need to start seeing beauty in more things... in ugly things as well.

oh craigslist

"IF YOUR LOOKING FOR A TRUE SHINNY WHITE KNIGHT IM YOUR GUY HUN. LAST OF THE MEN THAT STILL OPEN DOORS FOR THE LADIES. I HAVE MY OWN CASTILE SO ANWER MY AD "


best ever.

its it.

There is a full moon tonight. its beautiful to look at and the perfect temperature to sit outside and just take it all in. let that blue grey light shine over you that outweighs all the discusting yellow lights the city has to offer. the lights that may be amazing on a normal basis cant even come close to the feeling you get when the moon shines on you. So i sit outside in what little of a yard i can call my own (that i share with 6 -10 other people... and wonder why nobody else is out there looking at this beautiful thing. when it comes down to it you dont get to see that many amazing full moons. clouds, sleep, city lights, cold weather take a lot away. i think it would do everyone a great justice to just sit and take in that powerful glow and maybe feel better because they are being filled up with this emotion not linked to people or things but just nature beyond what you normally let crawl into your mind. those are my words for a while. i am going to return to the outside world away from the internet and the cool glow of lcd screens.

pledging my time

it seems to me that a large piece of the human condition is to avoid being alone. face it, no one wants to be alone, no matter how much they say they do. hey, i agree with parts of their argument. i enjoy a lot of alone time, and have slight agoraphobic tendencies... but when it all comes down to it i need compassion and companionship just as much, if not more than just being alone...and i don't think anyone could disagree with that. depending on other people is largely what our society and culture is built upon. teamwork, the barter system, they are still in effect even if the barter has been replaced with paper money. it's still depending on other people like the barter... just in a more uneven way. i'll avoid going off on a tangent and leave it as this: even the declaration of independence took some teamwork.


you can't build something out of nothing.


i need to be focusing my time and energy on more productive thinking. like... reading books that i should have read a long time ago.

i need to just be calm, and grateful, and thankful of everything. i have all five of my senses and i have a few friends and family.


i'm just sick of being shit on. guess that means i need to toughin' up.





-h

meditate.

i want my therapy to be processed.

i want to reflect on how i felt.

i'm documenting myself without paying attention these days.


my creativity comes in waves and flavors.

crunchy nose.

shes crunching her nose on the couch.

did you see his new pic update?

The question has come up once again. How does one aspire to be famous on myspace? Am i missing something? Does spending all your time adding people back on myspace make you lots of money and i just didn't get the memo? If this is the case sign me up. Problem is... its probably not the case. These people just seem to have way too much time on their hands worrying about who reads their "space". Well....? what is the draw here. There are famous myspace people who have nothing interesting about them whatsoever. No "super hip pics" , no interesting career or art. The popular musicians and photographers and such i dont quite mind. its the people who are famous for just being weird.... or ... normal in some cases that freak me out. there are enough people guilty of having a myspace out there but do you really want an uncontrolled ammount of "friends" obsessing over every new picture update and whether you replied to their 72 stalker like messages last month? no thanks, i'll pass.

wake up mr. internet addict.
its myspace and when people see you on the street they dont swoon or take pictures... aside from a freakish few i doubt people even remember who you are because you dont look anything like your pictures on the web.

-ka-th-leeeeeeen

cron hole tossing and beating bitches up.

if there is one thing i am sick of, (only one thing, yeah...right...) it is when people say "everything happens for a reason", which is usually followed by an "i guess" or preceded by a "well, you know" when no, in fact, we do not know. which the "i guess" clearly illustrates. how is "everything happens for a reason" a valid answer, or a valid point to make? how can we even think such a thing and where did it even come from? who started that saying? i mean, of course as far as origin goes it fits in with certain beliefs/faiths, but sweet jesus it is just really disapointing after you give a huge schpeel to someone and then they muster out the very weak "everything happens for a reason".


maybe i'm just sick of it for the time being. because i can understand why someone would say it at times... and of course it always depends on the circumstances, too. but basically i am in a pissy mood and i'm about to go mileena on someone's ass.


in conclusion,
my thumb is pwned and i am teh nerdz.

i also have teh crampz.

feed me caffeine in mass amounts, kthx.



-h

AARP

I really hate to say it but when old people almost cause mass accidents on busy streets and dont even seem to turn their heads to see whats going on it just makes me realize that yes. Please please make them take a drivers test after a certain age. I'm not an old people hater, they tell good stories, they forget things and its usually hillarious, and give you quarters even though you are 20 something and think its going to help you financially somehow. I just dont want to go through insurance and police issues because i get sideswiped by a random old man on my street.

-kathleen

face

people touch their faces a lot. i'm starting to wonder if people do it because they dont think about it or if they are just incredibly vain. Maybe subconciously we are just checking to see if it is still there and hasnt fallen off and we just lost so many senses that we dont even notice.


-kathleen