1st draft.

"how quick a mind can change with its own self analysis. Your opinions and feelings switch on a dime when they snicker and poke fun. Oh don't get me wrong its all okay when peers give you a hard time but at some point we all need to grow up and make our own decisions. What do we like to eat, wear, do , and see. Its all your own choice and sometimes you cannot let it be decided by someone else's opinion or, more importantly, your own strange view of what you want your life to be like. The things you may think are good for you or what you want can create a tunnel vision that blocks out what could become good. We are all subject to this ideal world where we have something we want and we will eventually get exactly that or get something damn close. its not true and it wont happen for most. Wake up, look in the mirror, forget fairy tales, take a deep breath and step out of your door with an open view on what your life could be like. Take chances, ignore first impressions, learn about yourself. it might work out for you. who knows."

once in a while you find somone you can talk freely with. someone who understands when you talk in terms of the universe and metaphors.

i can try and be tough but..

i would love some security.

some door thats always open.

i want to live underwater.

but not the underwater that has creepy deep sea fish.

a story.

i very much enjoy reading this.


"lately i feel as if i cant make that kind of contact with anyone. i don't look as if it would physically hurt or i might just break down and cry if i let it happen, all the self hate and self doubt will just pour out of my eyes at contact. its like when you are about to throw up but you close your eyes or think of something to try and stop the inevitable. the problem is that at the end you open your eyes and look. it all comes out anyway"

so it happens

another year goes by and i learn more and more about myself and others.

i will start another year relying on myself to protect and watch out for myself above anyone else.
i will remember that people are not as concerned with you as they claim over and over.
i will be happy that i am starting a year out not in search of anyone but content with what i have and what i am.
i will know that none of the old people would be there to protect me from anything then and now.
i am happy to start a new year with a new attitude and a new sense of independence and contentment.


happy 4th