some people know.

that the weird feeling of not knowing where you should be and where you want to be competes with what you think you should be doing and who you want to be near. they all fight and its pretty shitty.

well that is interesting.

when it rains, it pours.

i don't mind one bit.

man we tough.

Have you ever noticed how bizzare hip hop artist's names have become.. well.. have always been. ice tea, ice cube, vanilla ice, .. where was dry ice? How does one named hi-tek.. which presumably is a tough version of high tech think he is tough.. high tech always makes me think of revenge of the nerds and computer science majors... (hrmf.. forget that) how "birdman" is tough.. birdman is like the dude version of catlady and therefore... not cool. actually kind of creepy...

well i guess that we are drowning in no talent wannabe's on the entertainment front these days anyway, all the badass names must already be taken by someone.


just a few thoughts. sorry.

he will always have an unhealthy relationship with his mother

the other day at work i was doing the normal makeover speech i am trained to say and start to help a customer... she had a 3 year old boy with her. apparently asking her three year old if he was hungry meant, hold on a moment while i whip my shit out and start breast feeding without consulting with the person applying makeup to your face in a store... don't mind me.. i'm only trying really hard to ignore the child attached to you're tits, its cool

bowtie.

there are those moments where you have this space in your mind or heart or wherever you keep space for people and its so full its like a balloon but heavy and then it crumbles and is empty for a while. some of that just keeps on filling up again even though you need the space for other things. its like a chair or a bunch of shirts you cant let yourself get rid of even though you dont have the space to keep them.

those moments are the worst, when you think you can finally move new things into that space. and then you cant.

it makes you hate those people and those memories and those feelings because they don't let go. they wont.

i got excited and overly into a teen fad once in my life. it lasted 30 seconds.

i remember it vividly.

take what you will.

there is a luxury in having things go well for one person for a long period of time. you don't notice it but you fall into niches, you fall into habits you might not have even known you had. you start to become a different kind of person. You need to take a few steps back, review how you used to be, review how you are now. are you happy? if so stop reading.

if you are unhappy with what you are becoming, change. if you don't want to admit you have changed. again, stop reading.

we all fall into habits that we may not want to admit we fall into. don't blame people for being real people and pointing it out. usually where one person has the balls to say it. other people are thinking it. everyone needs reality checks. i know i get plenty of them. dont put up defensive walls, dont jump to conclusions about that person just because they were open. its not fair and chances are they wouldnt bring it up if they did not care.


stop and think. the most patient people in the world lose it sometimes.

stop. think. tylenol.

stop. take a few moments. meditate.

think for a few minutes about why you fall into the habbits you fall into.

why you are weak to the people you are weak to.

figure out if you want that.

do you ever notice that habbit you have when things get to be too much.

tattos, dyed hair, piercings, big purchases, new wardrobe. we all need to start over or change something. its almost a necessary step in life.
for me it is to cut all my hair off no matter how much i like it . its a way to drop all the excess and get back to the basic needs.
i have tangled myself up in a large mess of people and situations. I've hurt, been hurt, learned a lot. I would like to stop learning hard lessons but at least with this i get to kind of start over.


apologies if you got steamrolled in the process. apologies to myself if i let you steamroll me in the process.

i'll get to that point eventually.

its a complicated thing

i have biologically bad timing.

My chest felt heavy as i layed there, pretending to try to go to sleep. Or maybe I wasn't pretending, maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough. Or maybe I was trying too hard. Though i know that you know that just because you feel it, it doesn't mean it's there. But regardless, the heaviness was there and it was screaming into my ear in the style of a whisper that it wasn't planning on going away. I was lying there in that foreign yet comfortable bed. Maybe it was comfortable because it was foreign. Or maybe it was just a Serta. But certainly I was uncomfortable for feeling comfortable and I wanted out. I thought outloud; "I'm crawling out of my skin." But no one heard me which tempted whatever it was inside of me even more. What am I doing? What am I doing with myself? I'm not by myself, no, not like I should be; and trust me, I know that I should be. For the first time in my goddamned life I know that I should be alone. Yet for some reason, I'm having a hard time now.

I'm having a hard time telling people who I am.
I know what I want.
I know who I am.
The thoughts won't go away and there are tell-tale signs flashing like bright neon lights directly into my eyes.. or like a computer screen in a dark, dark room at 4:40 in the morning...